I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
