she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
