Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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