If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
