He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
