im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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