Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
