I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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