That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
