it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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