erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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