Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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