Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
