I can text with my tongue
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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