When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
