you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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