Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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