I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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