You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
