Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
