I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
