he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
