You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
