i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Help. Why am I so naked?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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