Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
