respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you would pick up someone in the library
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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