I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
