I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
