my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
