Your dad touched me again.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
