I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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