I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
