i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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