i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!