I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.