I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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