I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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