I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
