Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
