onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
