I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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