the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
