im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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