So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
