I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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