Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
