Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
