john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
