Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
