In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
