Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
