If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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