This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
