He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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