I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
