Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just gargled with NyQuil
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
