We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
