i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
