Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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